The Broken Glass
The bright light that once was, had been dimmed. The endless possibilities and exciting opportunities turned into a river of no’s and a lifetime of being in a rut.
“You’re so lucky! Everything always works out for you” people used to say. And I would respond with “It’s not luck. I just believed it would happen and so it did!” How wise I was at 24. How free and happy.
For 12 years I lived with a man whose glass was always half-empty…no, it was completely empty, and I kept filling it, not realizing it was a broken glass. He constantly compared us to others, wanting all the “things” but couldn’t work for them. How long can you keep encouraging, hoping, dreaming, when your partner drains that energy and drowns it with negative thoughts. Not forever that’s for sure!
The moment I got him out, I could feel my dimmer begin to rise. The light that I thought was gone because of stress that comes with becoming a mother, a homeowner, starting a life during a recession, was in fact always there. It wasn’t everything around us, it wasn’t me, IT WAS HIM. HE DIMMED MY LIGHT.
The universe really does want me to succeed. I felt the need to apologize to the universe for forgetting it was on my side. I was negotiating with my inner voice and from now on that was going to be the only voice I listened to. Suddenly, the possibilities are back. The job I HAD to go to became the job I GOT to go to. I didn’t fail at marriage; I chose happiness over misery.
I once again feel so lucky, so grateful. When my mind starts to automatically go to thinking “I wish I had more money or I wish I had love in my life,” I immediately turn up the dimmer and switch to “I can’t wait until I have the wealth that I deserve, and I can’t wait for my love to come.”
I am excited to see the moments where I am returning to my old self…but it’s not really my old self because I now have 20 years of experience and wisdom. I got to divorce the bad parts of him that worked their way into me. I get to reclaim the parts of the light I loved so much but now it’s bright as fuck and gives zero fucks!!